Something needs to change....

This has been the worst year of my life.  Hands down.  2012 began with my husband and I going through a bit of a "rough patch".  I will spare the details, but we began going to marriage counseling to work through our problems.  Then in April I found out I was pregnant with baby number three.  After overcoming the initial surprise, we were, of course, overjoyed.  I almost took it as a sign that we were going to be okay.  Then on July 3rd, the unthinkable happened.  I was 16 weeks pregnant and at a regular prenatal appointment the baby's heartbeat could not be found.  An ultrasound confirmed that the baby had died within the past week.  I had to call my husband from my Dr's office and tell him over the phone that we had lost our baby.  We were devastated   How were we going to tell our 4 year old, who was very excited to be a big brother again?  How was I going to find the strength to get though this?  I didn't know.

I was in my second trimester.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  Everyone knew I was pregnant, I had announced it on Facebook for God's sake.  How was I going to tell the world that we had lost the baby when I had a hard time even saying the words out-loud?  On July 9th I was induced, and delivered a tiny little boy.  We named him Henry.  Two days later we buried him with my husband's grandparents.  I was reeling.  I felt so lost.  And different.  I had been profoundly changed by the events of the previous week.  I felt some sort of need to express that change outwardly somehow.  I contemplated dying my hair purple or pink.  Something.  Something to show the world how different I felt. However, I didn't know how to demonstrate the profound change I had just undergone.  At times, I almost felt like I looked different when I saw myself in the mirror, even though I knew I didn't.  I knew I needed time to heal, hopefully that would help. I dreaded going back to work and seeing the look of pity in everyone's eyes.  Or worse yet, having to tell the people who didn't know.

The ordeal was not over for me, however.  Two of my blood tests done following the miscarriage came back abnormal.  I tested positive for CMV, and had contracted it sometime during my pregnancy.  Normally a pretty benign virus, it apparently can cause fetal demise if contracted during pregnancy   I also tested positive for Lupus Anticoagulant.  This can be a sign of  many different problems;  rheumatoid arthritis, lupus or several blood clotting disorders, to name a few.  Lupus anticoagulant is also NOT a good thing to have during pregnancy   Untreated, it can also lead to miscarriage, usually in the second or third trimester   My poor little boy didn't stand a chance.  It was very hard for me to know that my body had killed him.  My body had betrayed both of us.  

So here I am, three months later.  Waiting for my appointment with the specialist.  Still feeling different and not knowing what to do about it.  I am overweight  (okay, okay, obese) and incredibly unhappy.  The time is now.  I have to get healthy.  I have to help myself.  I don't want Henry to have died in vain.  This is my chance to change my life a be a healthier, happier mom for the two children I have here with me.  I need to use this as my wake up call.  

Monday I am starting "Body for Life".  A total mental and physical transformation, or so the book says.  Good. That is what I need.  I have had my doubts about whether I can do this or not, but I need to let go of those.  I survived the loss of a child, I can survive 12 weeks of clean eating and exercise.  This is my opportunity to prove to myself that I can do it.  I am confident.  My shopping list and meal plan for the upcoming week is made.  I am excited to begin.  I just need to go shopping and take my before photos.  

This is the transformation I need...for my outside to match how I feel in the inside.